We Have a Confession to Make (About Small Farm Growth in Wild Times)

Have you heard the story about how pizza joints in DC could predict military operations based on a sudden surge of delivery orders to the Pentagon late at night?

Our business is like that….. but after the fact. Which is to say: when you run a small farm long enough, you realize that small farm growth in our corner of the food world is weirdly correlated with the world being on fire. The chaos sells beef. The calm does not. We have a confession to make about that.

What our beef share sales tell us about the world

You could block every single news source, and still have a pretty good idea what's happening in the world just by watching our Beef Share sales:

• 3 cows reserved in a day…. Maybe a coup somewhere? Or an assassination attempt?
• 5 cows….. Are we at war in the Middle East again?
• 10 cows….. Wow that's a lot! Did the government confirm that the planet is being run by a cabal of wealthy elites that worship an ancient Mesopotamian deity?
• All the beef we have gone in 24 hours…… Ooooh that's a tough one, was a global pandemic lockdown declared? And was that pesky breakaway Mesopotamian cult behind it again? Those zany rascals!

Luckily nothing like that ever happens.

Those are extremely rare, once in a generation events.

We live in extremely chill times and no one is worrying about stuff like food security and our bulk beef business is growing slowly but steadily.

Lolz.

Obviously things are absolutely bonkers, and the Beef Share business is booming.

The confession (and the reptilian)

Which is why I have a confession to make.

Many years ago Jesse and I were contacted by a shadowy figure.

We were summoned before him (it?) and met in a lushly upholstered room deep inside what we believe to be a castle made of meteoric rock located at Magnetic South in Antarctica (obvs beyond the Ice Wall).

The glimpses of skin we saw appeared reptilian and scaly, but the voice (was it a voice?) was lustrous and soothing, almost as if our minds were melded.

This entity explained to us that the secret to growing bulk beef sales was……

Perpetual Global Crisis

If we wanted to reach the top of the Grass Fed Beef game, we would need to join their legion of blood oath sworn servants working tirelessly to sow chaos.

While we absorbed this information, we were served some delicious appetizers and had a surprisingly chummy time while they regaled us with stories about major historical events they were behind (being an ancient eldritch horror beast does not preclude having excellent vibes).

But then our host made it clear that this wasn't just a helpful tip.

If we didn't choose to act on the forbidden secrets we'd been told that day, our knowledge made us an unacceptable risk, and we'd be cast into a bottomless pit filled with unimaginable horrors and Beyond Meat burgers.

So we got to work

Fomenting global discord. Funding rebel groups AND the regimes they opposed. Constantly working to expand the reach and power of the global intelligence apparatus.

Naturally, we had to fill the entire food system with corn coated in glyphosate and make "conventional" beef taste terrible by manipulating the meatpacking industry.

Then we had to bribe both political parties, and corrupt and capture all of our institutions to sow doubt and division about literally everything.

We used our Reptilian friend's face swapping technology to pose as the Winklevoss twins, gave Zuck the idea for Facebook, and cackled maniacally as social media disintegrated the bonds of American society.

Oh and we didn't stop with manipulating major events. No cultural subplot was too minor for our meddling:

• Jar Jar Binks AND the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
• Making Pluto not a planet
• Game of Thrones Season 8
• The McDonald's Szechuan Sauce incident
• Just last week we cloned Jim Carrey and sent the knockoff to accept an award no one had ever heard of. For no real reason. Just for kicks. JUST FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME.

All of that and so much more.

It was all us, all part of our grand plan.

It's just Dirty Dog Farm all the way down. 12D Chess.

This may seem like an extreme small farm growth strategy

And yes, it was hard work. We had to spend trillions of dollars on R&D, bribes, and funding a vast army of black ops wet teams to silence our enemies and whistleblowers.

But no price is too high.

We will stop at NOTHING to give you a freezer and fill it with delicious 100% Grass Fed Beef!!!!!!

….

……

………..

Sorry, sorry, I got lost in my own bit there.

Obviously I'm joking.

The non-joke version of small farm growth right now

Most of that stuff was just massive global corporations manipulating our systems and strip mining our culture for profit.

Besides the Jim Carrey thing, I don't know what's going on there.

Honestly, all things being equal I'd prefer to sell a bit less beef and have the planet NOT run by Ba'al worshipping maniacs.

I don't ENJOY cross referencing the Epic of Gilgamesh and Book of Revelations just to understand memes.

And that attitude is probably why I don't have a villa on Lake Como….

But those ain't the cards we were dealt, friend.

Significant and legitimate indicators like Pentagon takeout orders, the price of *checks notes* everything on the planet, and our Beef Share wait list all agree:

Times are strange.

Which is part of why our wait list continues to boom (also because our beef rocks). If you want the receipts on the "our beef rocks" half of that, our piece on why grocery store beef is watery and the one on why customers say it's as if they'd never actually tasted meat before are the best places to start.

Chaos insurance, basically

So if you'd like to take out a little chaos insurance policy by stocking up on clean beef from a small farm that pinky swears that they totally had nothing to do with societal collapse…

AND be stocked up in time for grilling season with the best, most delicious, and most nutrient-dense 100% Grass Fed Beef…

Here's what you need to do: reserve your next Beef Share (with a free chest freezer). The full pricing breakdown is over at How much does a half cow cost?

Your Farmer,
Josh

PS: If you've made it this far in the post and chuckled even once, you're probably already on a list. Might as well have a freezer full of amazing beef.